Feelings

So after my long blog yesterday on what happened with us...I wanted to follow up with my feelings then...as I remember it...and my feelings now as I still am grieving after the loss of our daughter.

So my emotions especially for my second trimester losses were pretty much the same...except for the second, my thoughts of our son was a part of that.

For both of us...our emotions came out while the doctors were confirming our loss with an ultrasound...mine more during the ultrasound and seeing the baby without much fluid...my husband's more afterwards when the doctor was gone...first time, I could not believe this was happening and the second could not believe it was happening again!

The wait for both was excruciating as well...waiting for the doctor to show up to do an ultrasound...and waiting for baby to pass on and waiting for the delivery process...throughout the whole time, my thoughts went to the baby...if they baby was suffering...if he and she could feel pain...also could not help but to apologize to our little ones for not being able to protect them.

Now for the delivery...they had to for both times give me meds to start contractions...first delivery was pretty easy...they would hook me up to an IV and I would control the pain meds...at first did not want to do it, but my husband was right in saying why go through the pain when we have already lost the baby...it happened pretty quick and without much pain...the second was not as easy...they hooked me up with pain meds...controlled like last time, but did not work well...right before the baby came out, I was in so much pain...I did not think I could handle it anymore!  I am usually a person who can tolerate pain, but this was painful!  I think the thing that was dispensing the meds was not working right.

Both times after delivery...both times, I had some time to spend with the baby...we both held the baby...I needed to!  It was my way of saying goodbye!  However we could not bear the thought of having to bury our little ones so the hospital took care of it for us...but first time I did not spend as much time with the baby as the second time...my hubby could not spend time with the baby...and I completely understand...so for the second time, while he was sleeping, I had the nurse bring in the baby...they rolled her in on one of those carts like she was still alive...they even put her in a sleeper...I just held her...looked at all of her tiny features...saying how sorry I was...and how we loved her and wanted so much for her...and after a few hours let the nurse take her...she said I can have her back at any time...but I just could not anymore.

Going home is tough...you always see on the television how they are wheeled out with their bundle of joy in their arms...well each time I was wheeled out I had nothing but a box of little memories...a picture...small pillow with footprints on it...a pin...a small journal...and this time a sleeper like the one she was wearing...I now have 2 boxes sitting in our family room...for our son...on the anniversary of his death, I take it out and just look at it...the first time I did not want pictures to remember him by so I do not have any...and next year in June on the date she passed, I will be looking back at her pictures and the pretty box they gave me to remember her by.

So my thoughts after being home?  First time, while I kept myself busy, my thoughts did not go there, but this time around it is harder...I keep myself busy but no matter what I am doing, I can be thinking about our babies.  When I am not doing anything or trying to fall asleep, my mind always goes there...how I miss them...how I miss holding them...but most of all I question God.  I question why it is so easy for us to get pregnant but not be able to keep our babies!  Why is it that my body is so weak that I cannot keep them in there and keep them safe!  Why God would let this happen to such innocent human beings...our babies!  It does not make sense!

I read somewhere that they are gone so quickly before they are born because they fulfilled what they are supposed to do and God did not need them to be born to this ugly world, but what was fulfilled?  What did they do?  We miss them so much so how could that be good?

Then I also get such sadness...it literally hurts my heart...and I just do not want to do anything...don't want to eat...don't want to sleep...just nothing...the first time, I stayed in bed for a long time...I would fall in and out of sleep...and when I was awake I just stayed in bed...when my husband came home I would still be in bed and he would do anything to get me out of bed...he wanted to take me out to eat, but did not want to so he would go out to buy food...I do not remember if I even went out.  This time around because I have lots of weddings coming up (yes I am a wedding planner), I know I need to do things...put together invitations, go to meetings, etc...so I keep myself busy that way...I still do not want to do things but I know I have to...there are days when I lay in bed for a while...there are even days I take my laptop and phone to my bed and do everything from there...and yes I go out to eat and things even though I do not want to...I do it for my family and my husband...but I really usually do not want to.

It is a hurt that takes a long time and eventually will heal, but it takes a while.  Some people think I am okay because I am up doing things, but not really...I still hurt and this loss brought back the hurt from the first time.  I know it will take time...but people need to remember that we will never forget!  Those around me may forget what we went through...but people need to remember that when someone goes through a loss like this, we never forget...we are always reminded...when we see other pregnant women...whether it be in person or on television...when we see other babies and children...this was the hardest for me the first time around...I was pregnant with several other people at our church and I was the farthest along...it was hard when I saw them...or heard about their baby showers...I even went to one after my loss and thought I could do it...I left in the middle of it!  The others I just sent them something...this time around is not as hard.

And one other thing, I want to mention...even though we may not have a living child...people need to remember that we are parents!  People always tell me...you will be a great mother someday!  Well, know that we are parents!  I am a mother!  My beautiful children are now in Heaven, but I consider myself a mother and my husband is a father.

Anyways, that is it for now...I want others going through this to understand that I can understand your emotions and we all go through this...if you have gone through different emotions please feel free to express them...you are not alone in your feelings.

Take care until next time!