No good news

Hello all! I am sorry for the lack of updates. It has been a busy few months. Well we have been ttc (trying to conceive) for a couple of months now without any luck. It has been a little frustrating because the last 3 times we were pregnant, it happened on the first try. We try and then we play the waiting game...hoping...then find out that we are not when "aunt flo" arrives. The first month, I even bought a box of pregnancy tests and used 2 a few days before and 1 on the day just to find that my cycle was extended by 2 days. These couple of months have been very trying...all the hoping...and the doctors appointments because I have had other medical issues come up. Then there are all the medical bills that keep coming every couple of weeks that keep reminding me of our loss. Then there was the date our baby girl was supposed to be born last month...and Thanksgiving... And in a couple of weeks the date our son was supposed to be born 3 years ago...it has been a rough couple of months and since having done my last wedding of the year in October, I have been spending a lot of time at home...trying to deal with allot my emotions. With Christmas approaching it is still very hard and does seem to get easier and does not seem as if it will get easier. I would like to present this to those who may be reading this and going through a similar situation...how do you get through the holidays and due dates? Thanks for reading and hope you have a wonderful week!

Life just is not fair...

So I am having one of those days...where I end up having time to think to much and end up thinking about my little ones I lost...so if you do not want to hear my rants...please do not read on...

Life really can be cruel...why is it that there are all those people who do not want children get to have them and some have lots of them...you see it everywhere...at a mall or grocery store, where either the parents are yelling and screaming and/or hitting their children...or the total opposite where they are letting their children run around and do what they want while the parents are just standing around talking to other people or just shopping without caring about where their children are...I say to myself "what is wrong with you! do you even know what your child is doing?"  Also to those parents that hit their child in public...I just want to go up to them and yell at them!  It makes me angry...

On another note...my friend is going through a lot right now with her career and her marriage...she tells me that she wants to just run away to another country...because everyone is so cruel...well I feel like that sometimes...where I just want to run away somewhere...this week I found out that there was a person posing as a bride to get information and pricing from me about my business and found out that she is starting her own business in the same city I am in...how wrong is that but that is another matter but still gets me angry...

I guess I am more angry then sad today...but I just wanted to share...my feelings are mainly stemming from my loss...I want to just stay in bed all day long...but have too much to do and cannot do that.

Faith

So I know I have blogged a little about my feelings...see last post...maybe not so little, but I wanted to share a little about what I have been going through as far as my faith.  This post was brought on because my sister really wanted us to go to church with her, but I was just not ready to go back to church...

Since the loss of our 1st miscarriage...I have questioned God a lot!  Especially the question...
Why did God allow this to happen to our unborn, innocent baby?  Then after finding this online group of others who have lost their children...why would God allow this to happen to all of these unborn, innocent babies? and why does it happen so often?  Why not instead not have these babies in even be conceived in the first place?

Especially in our case, why did he allow us to get pregnant, and be pregnant for 18 1/2 weeks and have him pass away?  Why did his life even start when God knew that He was going to take him away from us halfway through?

Then with our last miscarriage...my question came back again...Why would he let this happen again, this time our daughter being a week older than her brother?  Why take away 2 innocent lives?  What was the point of having them conceived when He would take them away from us even before they were born?

I have learned that we are put on this earth for a reason...to help others to believe...to share God's love with others...etc...but what is the purpose for those babies who are conceived but do not get to live on this earth?  Can someone tell me that?  It just seems to me that it just gives heartache and grief to the mother's carrying the children and for their families.

I can understand if a couple was going through a tough time, that this time can bring them closer as a couple...but for us, as a couple, we are fine...people still tell us we are like newlyweds and we have been a couple since 1998...so 12 years! and known him since 1994...and yes these miscarriages helped us to becoming stronger as a couple and have more of a yearning to become parents...but like I said, we were fine as a couple...well more than fine...we are and have been a truly happy couple...so I know it has to be something else...

Then a lot of times people tell me that God has a plan...I keep wondering what this plan could be...we had our first miscarriage in 2007...it is now 2010 and it happened again...what in the world can this plan be...I know I am probably being impatient but what?  Also, how could God put as part of his plan to have 2 innocent babies taken away?  That just does not seem right!  God is supposed to be loving and just!  This just does not seem loving or just when these babies did not even get a chance at life in this world...just life inside of me!

This is why I was not ready to go back to church.  I know God is out there...there are times when I do doubt if God is there...and I still do question God...why He would let this happen to our innocent babies...and not only once...what in the world His plan could be...

If you understand why this has happened to you, please feel free to share...I know my own answers will come later and I just need to be patient...but I would love to hear yours.  In the meantime...I am still trying to deal with my grief and it will take me a while to really want to be there at church.

Feelings

So after my long blog yesterday on what happened with us...I wanted to follow up with my feelings then...as I remember it...and my feelings now as I still am grieving after the loss of our daughter.

So my emotions especially for my second trimester losses were pretty much the same...except for the second, my thoughts of our son was a part of that.

For both of us...our emotions came out while the doctors were confirming our loss with an ultrasound...mine more during the ultrasound and seeing the baby without much fluid...my husband's more afterwards when the doctor was gone...first time, I could not believe this was happening and the second could not believe it was happening again!

The wait for both was excruciating as well...waiting for the doctor to show up to do an ultrasound...and waiting for baby to pass on and waiting for the delivery process...throughout the whole time, my thoughts went to the baby...if they baby was suffering...if he and she could feel pain...also could not help but to apologize to our little ones for not being able to protect them.

Now for the delivery...they had to for both times give me meds to start contractions...first delivery was pretty easy...they would hook me up to an IV and I would control the pain meds...at first did not want to do it, but my husband was right in saying why go through the pain when we have already lost the baby...it happened pretty quick and without much pain...the second was not as easy...they hooked me up with pain meds...controlled like last time, but did not work well...right before the baby came out, I was in so much pain...I did not think I could handle it anymore!  I am usually a person who can tolerate pain, but this was painful!  I think the thing that was dispensing the meds was not working right.

Both times after delivery...both times, I had some time to spend with the baby...we both held the baby...I needed to!  It was my way of saying goodbye!  However we could not bear the thought of having to bury our little ones so the hospital took care of it for us...but first time I did not spend as much time with the baby as the second time...my hubby could not spend time with the baby...and I completely understand...so for the second time, while he was sleeping, I had the nurse bring in the baby...they rolled her in on one of those carts like she was still alive...they even put her in a sleeper...I just held her...looked at all of her tiny features...saying how sorry I was...and how we loved her and wanted so much for her...and after a few hours let the nurse take her...she said I can have her back at any time...but I just could not anymore.

Going home is tough...you always see on the television how they are wheeled out with their bundle of joy in their arms...well each time I was wheeled out I had nothing but a box of little memories...a picture...small pillow with footprints on it...a pin...a small journal...and this time a sleeper like the one she was wearing...I now have 2 boxes sitting in our family room...for our son...on the anniversary of his death, I take it out and just look at it...the first time I did not want pictures to remember him by so I do not have any...and next year in June on the date she passed, I will be looking back at her pictures and the pretty box they gave me to remember her by.

So my thoughts after being home?  First time, while I kept myself busy, my thoughts did not go there, but this time around it is harder...I keep myself busy but no matter what I am doing, I can be thinking about our babies.  When I am not doing anything or trying to fall asleep, my mind always goes there...how I miss them...how I miss holding them...but most of all I question God.  I question why it is so easy for us to get pregnant but not be able to keep our babies!  Why is it that my body is so weak that I cannot keep them in there and keep them safe!  Why God would let this happen to such innocent human beings...our babies!  It does not make sense!

I read somewhere that they are gone so quickly before they are born because they fulfilled what they are supposed to do and God did not need them to be born to this ugly world, but what was fulfilled?  What did they do?  We miss them so much so how could that be good?

Then I also get such sadness...it literally hurts my heart...and I just do not want to do anything...don't want to eat...don't want to sleep...just nothing...the first time, I stayed in bed for a long time...I would fall in and out of sleep...and when I was awake I just stayed in bed...when my husband came home I would still be in bed and he would do anything to get me out of bed...he wanted to take me out to eat, but did not want to so he would go out to buy food...I do not remember if I even went out.  This time around because I have lots of weddings coming up (yes I am a wedding planner), I know I need to do things...put together invitations, go to meetings, etc...so I keep myself busy that way...I still do not want to do things but I know I have to...there are days when I lay in bed for a while...there are even days I take my laptop and phone to my bed and do everything from there...and yes I go out to eat and things even though I do not want to...I do it for my family and my husband...but I really usually do not want to.

It is a hurt that takes a long time and eventually will heal, but it takes a while.  Some people think I am okay because I am up doing things, but not really...I still hurt and this loss brought back the hurt from the first time.  I know it will take time...but people need to remember that we will never forget!  Those around me may forget what we went through...but people need to remember that when someone goes through a loss like this, we never forget...we are always reminded...when we see other pregnant women...whether it be in person or on television...when we see other babies and children...this was the hardest for me the first time around...I was pregnant with several other people at our church and I was the farthest along...it was hard when I saw them...or heard about their baby showers...I even went to one after my loss and thought I could do it...I left in the middle of it!  The others I just sent them something...this time around is not as hard.

And one other thing, I want to mention...even though we may not have a living child...people need to remember that we are parents!  People always tell me...you will be a great mother someday!  Well, know that we are parents!  I am a mother!  My beautiful children are now in Heaven, but I consider myself a mother and my husband is a father.

Anyways, that is it for now...I want others going through this to understand that I can understand your emotions and we all go through this...if you have gone through different emotions please feel free to express them...you are not alone in your feelings.

Take care until next time!

What we have already gone through...

So I wanted to start this blog because there is not much information out there about going through miscarriage, not to mention a miscarriage in the second trimester...the affects it has on people...what we have to go through after a miscarriage...as well as emotions...so that others can be able to say "hey, I feel that way also!"

I want others to be able to relate and share their experiences...everyone's experience is different even if they may have lost their baby at around the same month or week.  When I first went through this, it was hard to find sites talking about this and I did not want to go to a support group in person because I felt like if I went and started talking about my experience, all I would was cry and not be able to completely tell them my story.  I did eventually find a group online, but even then, it is hard to just share your entire journey...

So here I am and anyone who reads this and are going through what I am going through, I would like you to feel free to share by commenting your experience.  I want everyone to know that you are not alone!  Many many people go through miscarriages...not as many second trimester miscarriages...and not many people have to deal with incompetent cervix...so this is why I am sharing...I want those who have gone through a second trimester miscarriage...and have an incomptent cervix and those who need to have cerclages done in order to save the baby...to be able to relate...

So here is my story...

In 2007, we got pregnant and although it was a surprise...we were happy!  We had just decided to start trying that year after being married for 3 years.  When we found out, we were 8 weeks along...yes I forgot my "friend" had not shown up and just started feeling queasy...first thinking it was some food I ate...anyways, went to the doctor to confirm and they had also found something else...a polyp...normally polyps are okay, but I was pregnant and it was keeping my cervix open a little...the doctor told me that it was not anything to worry about...so I did not question it and went about my way...

Weeks went by and a few weeks later went to the doctor again and she wanted us to see a perinatlogist...a high-risk pregnancy specialist...because she was concerned about the polyp affecting the baby...well...of course I got concerned...to tell you the truth...scared!  So went with my husband...apparently the polyp was pretty big and he did not want to do anything with it because if he took it out, it can cause significant problems for me and the baby.  He said that it can be left in and because the polyp was blocking, the baby would be fine! He even told us that we were having a boy!

Well everything was not fine...a week after seeing the perinatologist, we had a miscarriage...one day I started to have something that felt like contractions...I even called the doctor but she said that it was probably round ligament pain...but it went on for a while...that night, my water broke...we went into the emergency room...after hours of waiting...they confirmed that my water broke (although I already knew that my water broke)...and several hours later after them inducing me with meds and hooking me up with pain meds, delivered our son...at 18 1/2 weeks.

At one point after finding out my water broke, the doctor told us that there was a chance to save the baby...and try to get to 24 weeks...she gave us some options and then left the room...however, she came back like 30 min later to tell us that we did not have an option because I had a fever which meant I had an infection.

After this time, went to the doctor (a new one! more on why later) a few times...he explained to us what might have happened...also saw him because of polyps that kept reoccurring as well as infections.

Jumping to 2010, we decided to try again...we got pregnant again in February, but couple weeks later we found out we were losing the baby after a couple of blood tests showed that our hcg levels were dropping...it was a long 2 weeks!

Then in March, before my "friend" even came back, we found out we were pregnant again...I had called our doctor to ask when I should expect my "friend" to return...he said that it should have already and to check to see if I am pregnant.  Found out that I was!  We were so happy!  A little weary about this one but happy!

I went to the doctor to confirm a few weeks later and yes we were pregnant and this time no polyp!  We thought we were good to go!  We were still very cautious and did not want to get too excited...well my husband was cautious but I was excited!  We even waited to tell our family right away but we waited a little bit because we did not want to have to tell them and then have another miscarriage.  After a few weeks we told them!

So with this pregnancy, I probably called the doctor a few hundred times...every time I had a cramp, or something just did not feel right...he even told me that I can come see the baby at anytime I wanted to...everytime I could not sleep because I was worried, he told me to call them and come in!  I was not that crazy, but at I saw the baby at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 12 weeks!  My husband even got to see her at our first official checkup.  Every time I saw the baby, she moved around a lot!  There were even times when the doctor was trying to take a picture and she would kick so he would have to try to take the picture again.

Well, at 19 1/2 weeks...on a Friday, I started having contractions...I thought they were cramps...it kept me up but it was very weak and I thought they were ligament pain...but they would come and go...not on a regular basis...so I went back to sleep...well it came back later in the morning so I called the doctor.  The nurse told me it was probably just normal pain and told me to stay home and rest and drink lots of fluids...so I did but early in the afternoon, the pain got worse...I called and went in to the doctor...my doctor was not there that day but the on call doc checked found out that I was 2cm dilated and my water had not broken.  They called the ambulance to transfer me to a different hospital because I needed to see the perinatologist (yes the same one I saw 3 years back) and try to save this baby.

So after what seemed to be a long hospital ride, I got there, they checked me in right away and waited...for the doctor and for my husband...it seemed like a long wait especially when you have to lay down with your head towards the floor and your feet higher up...it is not comfortable...but soon after, they wheeled me in to his office to see with an ultrasound...soon after my husband came in...

After a long check...the perinatologist does not like to talk while examining...he showed us what was going on with the baby and then told us an action plan...to try to save the baby, first they would have to stop my contractions with meds and then once it stops, on Sunday to have a cerclage put in.

They then wheeled me back into the room I was first in with my husband this time.  At this point, it was a waiting game...I had to stay at the hospital, taking meds every so often to stop these contractions and if everything was okay they would put the cerclage in.  It was emotional for us...not knowing what was going to happen and me thinking the worst would happen...

Well, on Saturday it looked like my contractions had stopped so they were planning ahead with the cerclage...our hopes however were crushed when early Sunday morning they found out that I was leaking and also started contractions again...we could not do the cerclage...so then like the first time, we had to wait...had to wait for the baby to die in my belly and then to deliver her.  She finally passed away on Monday late afternoon on June 28 and delivered her on Tuesday at almost 2am.  It was so painful...both physically but more emotionally...after delivering her, while my husband was sleeping next to me, I spent a lot of time with her...I could not let her go just yet...I wish I could see her again...

Well we spent another 2 days at the hospital and then was told that I could go home...

It has now been 2 1/2 weeks and still in a little bit of physical pain and as I write this, still emotionally painful...

Next steps...well after the pain has gone...I need to get an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay...then when we get pregnant again, I have to get a cerclage done at around 10 weeks or so and also get shots so that I do not contract...this also means that I have to be put on bedrest after the procedure is done until 36 weeks...

Well hope everyone had fun reading (yeah right!), but I wanted to share with everyone what we have gone through...don't worry...future posts will not be as long...

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!