Faith

So I know I have blogged a little about my feelings...see last post...maybe not so little, but I wanted to share a little about what I have been going through as far as my faith.  This post was brought on because my sister really wanted us to go to church with her, but I was just not ready to go back to church...

Since the loss of our 1st miscarriage...I have questioned God a lot!  Especially the question...
Why did God allow this to happen to our unborn, innocent baby?  Then after finding this online group of others who have lost their children...why would God allow this to happen to all of these unborn, innocent babies? and why does it happen so often?  Why not instead not have these babies in even be conceived in the first place?

Especially in our case, why did he allow us to get pregnant, and be pregnant for 18 1/2 weeks and have him pass away?  Why did his life even start when God knew that He was going to take him away from us halfway through?

Then with our last miscarriage...my question came back again...Why would he let this happen again, this time our daughter being a week older than her brother?  Why take away 2 innocent lives?  What was the point of having them conceived when He would take them away from us even before they were born?

I have learned that we are put on this earth for a reason...to help others to believe...to share God's love with others...etc...but what is the purpose for those babies who are conceived but do not get to live on this earth?  Can someone tell me that?  It just seems to me that it just gives heartache and grief to the mother's carrying the children and for their families.

I can understand if a couple was going through a tough time, that this time can bring them closer as a couple...but for us, as a couple, we are fine...people still tell us we are like newlyweds and we have been a couple since 1998...so 12 years! and known him since 1994...and yes these miscarriages helped us to becoming stronger as a couple and have more of a yearning to become parents...but like I said, we were fine as a couple...well more than fine...we are and have been a truly happy couple...so I know it has to be something else...

Then a lot of times people tell me that God has a plan...I keep wondering what this plan could be...we had our first miscarriage in 2007...it is now 2010 and it happened again...what in the world can this plan be...I know I am probably being impatient but what?  Also, how could God put as part of his plan to have 2 innocent babies taken away?  That just does not seem right!  God is supposed to be loving and just!  This just does not seem loving or just when these babies did not even get a chance at life in this world...just life inside of me!

This is why I was not ready to go back to church.  I know God is out there...there are times when I do doubt if God is there...and I still do question God...why He would let this happen to our innocent babies...and not only once...what in the world His plan could be...

If you understand why this has happened to you, please feel free to share...I know my own answers will come later and I just need to be patient...but I would love to hear yours.  In the meantime...I am still trying to deal with my grief and it will take me a while to really want to be there at church.