25 week appt

So had my 25 week appt today...

First the day through me off bc I usually have an earlier appt...but good thing bc it was slippery in the morning...second, my regular OBGYN was not there bc he is on vacation...

Well I went in and got the usual done with weight and blood pressure check...just gained 1 lb! Woohoo! And blood pressure was at 120/75 which is good...so far do good!

Then she proceeded with the transvaginal and looks like I am funneling again...ugh! And this time I think it has gone down farther...so that got me a little worried but my cervix is still at above 4 which is good...I think the funneling may be due to the fact that I have been sitting up more this week instead of laying down as I should...do I need to watch that...

She then checked the baby with the abdominal u/s and he looks great! He was staring at us the whole time so could not get a great shot of him but he is 1 lb and 13 oz...I thought he would be 2 lbs by now but that is ok...

So let's see how things turn out next week...

24 week appointment

So it is now 24 weeks! Well 24 weeks and 5 days to be exact! We are officially at viability and now in our 6th month! Went to the doc and told him about my Braxton Hicks contractions. I went into L&D a few weeks ago bc they were coming so frequently but now I look back and think it was due to being dehydrated...

Well he did the usual ultrasound...yes I am one of the lucky ones who get to get a ultrasound done at every visit bc of the cerclage...anyways, we saw my son...he has gotten big! About 1.8 lbs! Almost 2 lbs...but he is not too big...he is at a 43 percentile...so he is about average...

We then heard the heartbeat which is at 155!
Afterwards he mentioned that he was breeched at this point...but he told me not to worry because he will likely turn around in the next few weeks...guess he is not ready to come out yet ;) which is fine with me...

Finally he measured the cervix...he normally does a transvaginal but after measuring he said he did not have to bc my cervix was measuring at 4.9 almost 5! Woohoo! That is what I needed to hear!

So all looks good so far...the shots and cerclage are doing its job!

You do not know how relieved I feel...hopefully it stays that way! But have to take it a week at a time!

Until next week!

23 week appt

So I went to my OBGYN appt today and currently my cervix is at 3.43 cm...it seems like it has shortened a little but he cannot be sure bc last week I was measured on a different machine last week so this is why he wants to see me the next 4 weeks to make sure my cervix is not shortening anymore...I really hope not or I am going to have to be hospitalized and put on bedrest there.

On Sunday I will be at 24 weeks which is viability but need to make it to 28 weeks for the best chance at survival for our son...I am hoping 4 weeks goes by fast...faster then it has so far...being on bedrest seems to make the days go by so much slower...

Hoping for a longer cervix next week or at least no more shortening...

22 weeks pregnant - perinatologist appt

I cannot believe it! The day has finally come...our last perinatologist appt! I could not sleep last night because I was worried something bad was going to happen...as you know 2 weeks ago was supposed to be our last appt with our perinatologist but my cervix started to funnel from the inside so we had to see him again this week to see how the follow-up would be.

Well yes we still have the same funneling but nothing worse so we were told today that we do not have to come back. Now if something were to happen before 36 weeks yes we would have to go to that hospital again but we are hoping for the best! So being at 23 weeks this Sunday means we still have a ways to go...first goal is to reach 24 weeks for viability and then to reach 28 weeks for the best chances for the best chance at survival...but I need to stay positive for our son and just keep doing what I am doing which is bedrest.

Oh and this also means no more 3D pics :( oh well...we will just have to wait for him to arrive.

So now I just have to go see my OBGYN...every week for a few more weeks and then a little less often as we get closer...

Now to focus on Christmas...cannot believe it is almost here!

20 week perinatologist appt

So on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving I had my 20 week perinatologist appt. I went with my mom and sister this time. The appt started out great seeing the baby and especially seeing my mom seeing the baby. She was so amazed on how technology can allow you to see so much. She even got see 3D pics and was even more amazed. She even got to take home pics of the regular and 3D pics! I am glad I got to experience that with her!

After the anatomy scan, we saw how my stitch was holding up. I was not expecting to hear the news that I heard. My cervix started to open up from the inside :(
My peri does not seem to be that worried though...he said that that is what is to be expected because of my history of my cervix opening early and even though the stitch is a little loose closer to the baby, the stitch is still holding on the outside. My cervix still is at 4 which is good! However I need to see him again 2 weeks...this was supposed to be my last appt with him...but oh well what can I do if my cervix is not cooperating.

I got sick on Tuesday with vomiting which the doc says could have contributed to it opening...

Well...last night I started having several contractions...I started having 1 or 2 a day a couple of weeks ago...which I figured was Braxton Hicks contractions, but last night I had several within an hour so I decided we should go in...do they hooked me up to a monitor to closely check and had me stay overnight. As I figured would happen, when I was being looked after it does not happen...so today saw my OBGYN and he told me next time that happens to call him first so that he can call my perinatologist ahead of time and head to the other hospital (where my peri is located)...then I got discharged.

So this week I see my OBGYN and hopefully he can give me some good news...and need my uterus to settle down and no more contractions!

week 18 - perinatologist appt

So it is week 18...almost 19...our danger weeks...weeks we lost our son and daughter...so it is a little stressful but today's appt really made my day...

So this morning...bright and early, went to see our perinatologist...when we got there...after my hubby dropped me off at the door and while I was waiting for him, saw my OBGYN in the lobby...it was kind of weird to see him there...but said hello and of course had to ask about my new symptom...

yesterday I started getting these constant stabbing pains near my belly button...he told me that is normal...apparently it is a umbilical hernia...everyone is born with it, but only is felt when something is pushed against it...in my case...my uterus pushing against my belly button...he said I may have this pain for the rest of my pregnancy...ugh! At least it is nothing serious...just really annoying...well at first I was really worried...but not now...

Well, asking him that got my hubby a chance to see my OBGYN again...so it was nice while my OBGYN cracked some jokes like usual...

Anyways, we checked in and this time unlike last time did not have to wait that long...thankfully...and he got straight to the point...checked my cervix...still very long! 4.2 and holding tight...

After our appt my hubby was saying how the peri seemed so proud of the fact that it was very tight...lol!

Well after checking the cervix...he checked on our son...his heart rate was at 156...very good...he was not moving...and my peri saw my face and said it is normal...I think he was sleeping...

So after we saw him, the nurse came back to check my bp (I asked because of my high bp...)...it was a bit high but the nurse told me not to worry because it could be that I know that I am getting my progesterone shot next...oh and the fact that I had just found out that my hubby's brother just had a baby...yes a 11.11.11 baby!!!  We are officially an aunt and uncle and our nephew will soon have a cousin...too bad they do not live close so they can grow up together...guess we will just need to Skype or Facetime often so these 2 can meet.

She then gave me my weekly progesterone shot...did not hurt this time except for when she put the needle through my skin...why is it that after the shot at the peri it does not hurt, but when I had it done at the OBGYN office, it hurt for a couple of days? Maybe she injected it too fast and that is why it hurt...I will have to ask her to go slower next week...

Well afterwards because we had time before my hubby had to go to work to have breakfast together...at COSI...it was yummy!

Oh one more big news...my peri told us that if all things go well in 2 weeks, we will not have to see him again during my pregnancy...a little bittersweet because I will not be able to get any more 3D pics of our son...but am glad because we do not have to drive down 30 minutes to see him...it will then be just my OBGYN and will be seeing him every week...so here is to a great 2 weeks!  I cannot wait...not only because of this but it will be Thanksgiving!

Until next time!

16 weeks - perinatologist appt and 17P shots

Today we had an appt with our perinatologist...it started off rough because we waited for almost an hour, but once he came in, it was a good time...did I say that? Who says that about a doctor's appointment...well you will see why...

First, it was all about baby...our peri did a thorough check...checked our little one's heart, brain and the bones...he did all kinds of measurements and checked the blood flow...everything is perfect so far!  No signs of Downs or anything...while he was checking everything we got to see our lil one wave and while our peri was taking 3D images, our baby was trying to cover his eyes with his arms...looks like he was saying "enough of the pictures already!" It was so cute...we have that on our 3D pictures...love it!  We also have a pic of him waving at us!

Before moving onto looking at my cerclage, he asked us if we wanted to know the gender of our baby and we said yes...even though we kind of found out by my OBGYN, it was not confirmed because he could not be positive...so our peri was able to confirm it to us...so we are having...a...

Wait...before I tell you let me tell you about the rest of my appt...LOL...

So he then went to check on the cerclage...when I went last week to see my OBGYN, he said my cervix was at 3 cm which means it has shortened from the last time...I got worried but he said that it could be longer...he could not be positive because his machine is not accurate and clear enough to see the cerclage...well today when we found out, it is at 4.8!  Yay!!! And I saw it and it was very tight and secure...so everything is good!  What a relief...

So after seeing our peri, a nurse took us to get my first progesterone shot...and because my hubby wanted to know how to do it, she taught him and he was even able to practice on a pin cushion...he then administered it on me!  Yes he did and did a great job! I barely felt it!  But when we left the hospital, he said he probably will not do it again unless I really cannot get to the hospital to get it done by a nurse...I do not blame him though...there are a lot of steps to remember and if it were me, I would not be able to do it to him...my hands would probably not cooperate...

So all in all, this appt was great! I did ask about the shots to my peri and he said that they give me my last shot at 36 weeks as well as get the cerclage out and they said that there is a really good chance that I will go into labor at 37 weeks because the shot wears off after a week...I really hope our lil one stays in there longer...so I will just have to make sure I do not do much...

Our next appt with our peri is in 2 weeks...that will be one of our "danger" weeks...weeks 18-20...when we lost our babies...so hopefully as long as I do what I have been doing so far, everything will be fine...I cannot wait to reach 20 weeks which will be Thanksgiving week...

So now...the moment everyone has been waiting for...we are having...a....

BOY!!!

Yup! We are having a son! This is what our OBGYN thought...what I thought all along and apparently what my mom thought!  WOOHOO!!!

Thanks for reading...until next time!

Cerclage followup

So we had our week after followup with our perinatologist today...

Thankfully the stitch is doing well as well as our baby whose heartbeat is at 160...

We also were told that I will be getting weekly progesterone shots also called p17 shots starting in 2 weeks...I am used to needles so do not mind but the doctor said either I can go to my OB's office to get it done every week and/or have my hubby inject it...well he told the doctor and nurse that he would like to do it especially if I cannot make it to the doctor which needs to be the same day every week and will be learning how to do it at our next perinatologist appointment. Isn't he sweet?

I also wanted to see baby but all he did was let me hear the heartbeat and I did not ask...well it is ok because I saw our baby yesterday at the OB's office after I freaked out about bleeding I was having that was dark red...

Next week I am back at OB's office to check on our baby...

In other news...yes I am still on bedrest...but that is okay...it is for our baby!

And finally...I am in my second trimester! Yay! 14 weeks! But I am a little scared because the weeks we lost our daughter and son are coming up...weeks 18 and 19...and probably will not be able to breathe a sigh of relief until 24 weeks when our baby is viable...we need to then make it to 37 weeks! Those are our goals! So first goal reach 20 weeks...second goal 24 weeks...then I will say next goal is 30 and final goal when our cerclage comes out at 37 weeks...it seems so far off!

Oh and now I think I caught a cold...not good! I am eating lots of chicken soup and drinking as much fluid as possible...I really hope it is not anything worse (knock on wood)

Until next time!

Cerclage Day!

So yesterday was finally the day...after weeks of worry...so here is how my day went...

First, the day before, they made sure to tell me not to eat anything after midnight...I was like "what? So I will not be eating until at least 2pm bc my surgery was set for 1pm...how can they expect a pregnant woman to not eat or drink anything til then?" Well it was really no big deal...I was so nervous that I did not think much of it on the day...

Yesterday, we had to be at the perinatologist's office at 9:15am...he checked my cervix, the baby and to see if I had a cold...if I had had a cold I would not have been able to do the surgery that day...after the checkup, they sent us to the other side of the building to wait to get into our room to prep for surgery...once we got our room...had to change and the wait begins...the nurse then had to do various checks...then a person came in to put an IV in and a little later they put in my IV, antibiotics an hour before the surgery to keep the infections away...then after more waiting...it was time to wheel me into the operating room...

Let me tell you...I was extremely nervous and going into the OR does not help...it is extremely intimidating with all those huge lights and huge white room...thank goodness I had wonderful nurses who were so understanding! Also it is extremely cold in there...thank goodness their blankets were kept in a warmer and piled it on me! Then the anesthesiologist came in...he had me sit up and hunch over...there was also a nurse there who was holding onto me so that I would not move when the time came...the spinal was not fun...first he cleaned and then put a needle in my back to numb the area...he warned me and said it was ok to react...and I did just that! Then after some waiting (which seemed like a long time), he put the needle in...yes it was painful and uncomfortable...he had to kind of search that perfect spot to put the injection in...he then injected it...and I knew when he was doing it bc my legs got really warm...within seconds it got tingly and in like 5 minutes it was completely numb...a very weird feeling...they then positionedy legs in really high stirrups (a lot higher then it is at the gynecologist's office...I will not go into detail...but by that time I could not feel anything from my stomach down...I than got an oxygen mask put on me and they did their thing...I was actually waiting for my peri to say he was starting and waited but apparently they were already hard at work...I never felt a thing! Then before I knew it my peri was done and told me he was going to update my hubby.

They then sent me to recovery and I was there for like a half hour to an hour and then sent back to my room where my hubby was waiting...and he was waiting for me with food!!! The nurse told me to try water first to see if my stomach would be ok with it and said the food may not sit well with me at first...well she was so wrong! I was hungry at that point I ate the food with no problem and yes it was GOOD! it was Panera's chocolate croissant!!! I love that stuff!

I then insisted on hearing our baby...they normally do not do that bc I saw the baby before the procedure...unless something goes wrong...but I needed to know that our baby was okay...so they sent a labor and delivery nurse with her portable Doppler...I was so relieved to hear the heartbeat and it was nice and strong at 165 and our baby kept moving around so much the nurse had to chase our baby around my stomach to keep hearing our baby's heart...

So from then on it was a waiting game...they had to make sure the anesthesia wore off...while they kept checking my blood pressure...the nurse would come in every so often to ask if I could feel in certain areas...well they said it can take 6 hours for it to wear off...well it took 5 hours...and the final test was being able to walk on my own...and during the waiting we were shocked to find out that Steve Jobs had passed away...so sad...I asked my hubby if he thinks he wrote down all of his great ideas...he told me that he heard that the company had hundreds of ideas from him...so I am excited to see what else will come out that was his idea...

Oh and when my feeling started to come back I started getting cramps...I can normally take a certain amount of pain, but when it started it was pretty painful and knew it would only get worse, so asked the nurse for medicine...she gave me 2 Tylenols...thankfully that worked for the most important part of me...where the baby was...but did not quite help for other pains...the nurse told me I had that pain bc during surgery my legs were in such a weird position that my lower body could have cramped up.

Anyways, I was able to leave the hospital at about 9...went home, ate some good food which my stomach kind of paid for later that night...ate too much at once...took some tylenol...watched the disappointing Brewers game with hubby and eventually fell asleep...

So today I am glad I am not feeling as painful...but now I hope all goes well for the rest of the pregnancy...next week is my follow-up with the perinatologist and to see how our baby is doing as well as how well the stitch is holding up but the true test will be from weeks 18-20 when we had our miscarriages...

But in good news, next week we will be in our 2nd trimester! Woohoo! Good thoughts...and need to make sure I stay in bed...well I think the couch counts too!

Until next time!

Nuchal screening update

So on Monday we had our nuchal screening...at the appt, the tech told us the fluid behind our baby's neck was thin...slightly over 1 mm...max for normal is 3mm...so gave me some relief but still had to do a blood test and I had to wait...

Well today got the results and everything came out normal...so big sigh of relief!

Next is my physical on Monday to make sure all is good and to get prep instructions for Wednesday...

Now after researching, I have learned of the risks that come with the cerclage...infections and premature labor so now I am afraid of what could happen...it does not seem to end...the constant worry and fear...

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

11 week OBGYN visit

So yesterday went to see my OBGYN to see how our baby was doing as well as discuss with him my concerns about what the perinatologist said. I am so thankful to have such a compassionate OBGYN as well as his great bedside manners. He answered all of my questions and even said that he wished he could take all of my stress away!

My main concern was when the perinatologist told us that if the fluid behind the baby's neck does not decrease, he would not be able to put the cerclage in. Well according to my OBGYN the peri should have explained further saying that if the fluid did not decrease, he cannot do the cerclage when he wanted to put it in which is on the 13th week but would have to wait to see until the fluid does decrease which can be risky bc of my history of premature labor around the 18-20 weeks.

He said we would all discuss our options if it comes to that but after seeing the baby today and getting a clear shot of the back, he said he has seen that type before and it looks normal to him. He is very optimistic!

You do not know how much stress has been lifted off my shoulders although I still have some...still need to get through our screening on Monday and also nervous about the cerclage itself...

Anyways it is some news I needed to hear...

Oh and when we saw our little one (from the ultrasound does not look as little anymore), he or she was moving his/her feet...did not see the face though...mainly the back but that is ok because we will see our little one again Monday!

Perinatal consultation

So today we had our consultation with the perinatologist...

It started off okay...he asked about my medical history...then he did an ultrasound through my abdomen...saw the baby...saw him/her move around...and heard the heartbeat...we even got some great shots including 4D pics...we both thought it was pretty cool! Also everything looked fine...oh and he told us that we were good candidates for cerclage in 3 weeks...

Here is where he gave us some worrisome news...

He did a transvaginal ultrasound to get a better look and saw that our baby had fluid behind his neck...he told us it can be a sign of abnormalities...

Well now besides having to worry about having a cerclage...we have this to worry about...I could not stop myself from crying...and if it is the case that the fluid increases in the next 2 weeks, he will not put in a cerclage...he said because of my chances of miscarriage...

So in 2 weeks I have to see another doctor to get blood tests and another ultrasound done to screen for abnormalities...then the following week see the peri again to see if we can go ahead and do the cerclage...

I do not know why this keeps happening to us...I cannot enjoy this pregnancy like most people and more and more things keep happening...I do not know how much I can take...I am a wreck right now...constantly worrying...and having to wait 2 weeks is going to feel like an eternity!

If you pray, I ask for your prayers mainly for our unborn child...

I will keep everyone posted!

Week 9

Hello everyone!

So today I had my first initial OB appt...not really initial because since week 5 I have been going in for ultrasounds...but today was the long appt with blood tests and all.

Saw our little one and got to see him/her move around!

Also thought we were at 9 weeks 2 days because my past appts my doc said 2 days on Fridays but today said I am due April 10 which puts me at 9 weeks 4 days...it really does not matter...as long as our little one is doing well...

So far so good! Next week...perinatologist appt...and hopefully will get a date set for the procedure...

Until later!

We have news!

It has finally happened!

We are pregnant! We are at 8 weeks now and so far so good.

I found out a few days before AF was due...I just had this feeling...the same feelings I had the last times I was pregnant...

However it has already been a complicated pregnancy...

The week after I found out I was pregnant, I started cramping and bleeding...went to the emergency room and they told me I had miscarried and to follow-up with my doctor in a couple of days...we were so devastated...

Well jump to 2 days later...went to the doctor to get a blood test to make sure my HCG levels are going down steadily...I was waiting for the doctor to call...and it became 5 o'clock and nothing...thought that meant that my levels were dropping...well I get a call that night from my doctor...he apologized for not calling earlier and then told me that my HCG levels went UP! I was like "what?" He said that I was still pregnant! I told my hubby and really did not know what to think...

Well 2 days after that...went back to the doctor and found out what the ER doctors thought was a loss was a dreaded polyp! And found out that day that my levels went up again!

So the following week I found myself bleeding again and this time went to my doc...he told me when the polyp came out the stalk did not come out with and that is why I was bleeding and need to take it easy...he put me on pelvic rest and told me not to lift anything heavy...

Since then I have seen my doctor and our baby every week...making sure everything is going as it should...so so far so good!

Every day is a challenge...every cramp is a worry however these days it has been easier...but right our short term goal is reaching 12 weeks so that we can get the cerclage. We have an appt with the neonatologist on the 19th for a consultation before we go ahead with this procedure/surgery.

We are very excited but it has been full of worries and stress...I am trying to have hope...I really am but sometimes it is hard. I am thankful to have a doctor who will let me see this little once a week and thankful for such a supportive hubby who is doing everything to try to make me worry and stress less.

Until next time...hoping this following week will be uneventful.

No good news

Hello all! I am sorry for the lack of updates. It has been a busy few months. Well we have been ttc (trying to conceive) for a couple of months now without any luck. It has been a little frustrating because the last 3 times we were pregnant, it happened on the first try. We try and then we play the waiting game...hoping...then find out that we are not when "aunt flo" arrives. The first month, I even bought a box of pregnancy tests and used 2 a few days before and 1 on the day just to find that my cycle was extended by 2 days. These couple of months have been very trying...all the hoping...and the doctors appointments because I have had other medical issues come up. Then there are all the medical bills that keep coming every couple of weeks that keep reminding me of our loss. Then there was the date our baby girl was supposed to be born last month...and Thanksgiving... And in a couple of weeks the date our son was supposed to be born 3 years ago...it has been a rough couple of months and since having done my last wedding of the year in October, I have been spending a lot of time at home...trying to deal with allot my emotions. With Christmas approaching it is still very hard and does seem to get easier and does not seem as if it will get easier. I would like to present this to those who may be reading this and going through a similar situation...how do you get through the holidays and due dates? Thanks for reading and hope you have a wonderful week!

Life just is not fair...

So I am having one of those days...where I end up having time to think to much and end up thinking about my little ones I lost...so if you do not want to hear my rants...please do not read on...

Life really can be cruel...why is it that there are all those people who do not want children get to have them and some have lots of them...you see it everywhere...at a mall or grocery store, where either the parents are yelling and screaming and/or hitting their children...or the total opposite where they are letting their children run around and do what they want while the parents are just standing around talking to other people or just shopping without caring about where their children are...I say to myself "what is wrong with you! do you even know what your child is doing?"  Also to those parents that hit their child in public...I just want to go up to them and yell at them!  It makes me angry...

On another note...my friend is going through a lot right now with her career and her marriage...she tells me that she wants to just run away to another country...because everyone is so cruel...well I feel like that sometimes...where I just want to run away somewhere...this week I found out that there was a person posing as a bride to get information and pricing from me about my business and found out that she is starting her own business in the same city I am in...how wrong is that but that is another matter but still gets me angry...

I guess I am more angry then sad today...but I just wanted to share...my feelings are mainly stemming from my loss...I want to just stay in bed all day long...but have too much to do and cannot do that.

Faith

So I know I have blogged a little about my feelings...see last post...maybe not so little, but I wanted to share a little about what I have been going through as far as my faith.  This post was brought on because my sister really wanted us to go to church with her, but I was just not ready to go back to church...

Since the loss of our 1st miscarriage...I have questioned God a lot!  Especially the question...
Why did God allow this to happen to our unborn, innocent baby?  Then after finding this online group of others who have lost their children...why would God allow this to happen to all of these unborn, innocent babies? and why does it happen so often?  Why not instead not have these babies in even be conceived in the first place?

Especially in our case, why did he allow us to get pregnant, and be pregnant for 18 1/2 weeks and have him pass away?  Why did his life even start when God knew that He was going to take him away from us halfway through?

Then with our last miscarriage...my question came back again...Why would he let this happen again, this time our daughter being a week older than her brother?  Why take away 2 innocent lives?  What was the point of having them conceived when He would take them away from us even before they were born?

I have learned that we are put on this earth for a reason...to help others to believe...to share God's love with others...etc...but what is the purpose for those babies who are conceived but do not get to live on this earth?  Can someone tell me that?  It just seems to me that it just gives heartache and grief to the mother's carrying the children and for their families.

I can understand if a couple was going through a tough time, that this time can bring them closer as a couple...but for us, as a couple, we are fine...people still tell us we are like newlyweds and we have been a couple since 1998...so 12 years! and known him since 1994...and yes these miscarriages helped us to becoming stronger as a couple and have more of a yearning to become parents...but like I said, we were fine as a couple...well more than fine...we are and have been a truly happy couple...so I know it has to be something else...

Then a lot of times people tell me that God has a plan...I keep wondering what this plan could be...we had our first miscarriage in 2007...it is now 2010 and it happened again...what in the world can this plan be...I know I am probably being impatient but what?  Also, how could God put as part of his plan to have 2 innocent babies taken away?  That just does not seem right!  God is supposed to be loving and just!  This just does not seem loving or just when these babies did not even get a chance at life in this world...just life inside of me!

This is why I was not ready to go back to church.  I know God is out there...there are times when I do doubt if God is there...and I still do question God...why He would let this happen to our innocent babies...and not only once...what in the world His plan could be...

If you understand why this has happened to you, please feel free to share...I know my own answers will come later and I just need to be patient...but I would love to hear yours.  In the meantime...I am still trying to deal with my grief and it will take me a while to really want to be there at church.

Feelings

So after my long blog yesterday on what happened with us...I wanted to follow up with my feelings then...as I remember it...and my feelings now as I still am grieving after the loss of our daughter.

So my emotions especially for my second trimester losses were pretty much the same...except for the second, my thoughts of our son was a part of that.

For both of us...our emotions came out while the doctors were confirming our loss with an ultrasound...mine more during the ultrasound and seeing the baby without much fluid...my husband's more afterwards when the doctor was gone...first time, I could not believe this was happening and the second could not believe it was happening again!

The wait for both was excruciating as well...waiting for the doctor to show up to do an ultrasound...and waiting for baby to pass on and waiting for the delivery process...throughout the whole time, my thoughts went to the baby...if they baby was suffering...if he and she could feel pain...also could not help but to apologize to our little ones for not being able to protect them.

Now for the delivery...they had to for both times give me meds to start contractions...first delivery was pretty easy...they would hook me up to an IV and I would control the pain meds...at first did not want to do it, but my husband was right in saying why go through the pain when we have already lost the baby...it happened pretty quick and without much pain...the second was not as easy...they hooked me up with pain meds...controlled like last time, but did not work well...right before the baby came out, I was in so much pain...I did not think I could handle it anymore!  I am usually a person who can tolerate pain, but this was painful!  I think the thing that was dispensing the meds was not working right.

Both times after delivery...both times, I had some time to spend with the baby...we both held the baby...I needed to!  It was my way of saying goodbye!  However we could not bear the thought of having to bury our little ones so the hospital took care of it for us...but first time I did not spend as much time with the baby as the second time...my hubby could not spend time with the baby...and I completely understand...so for the second time, while he was sleeping, I had the nurse bring in the baby...they rolled her in on one of those carts like she was still alive...they even put her in a sleeper...I just held her...looked at all of her tiny features...saying how sorry I was...and how we loved her and wanted so much for her...and after a few hours let the nurse take her...she said I can have her back at any time...but I just could not anymore.

Going home is tough...you always see on the television how they are wheeled out with their bundle of joy in their arms...well each time I was wheeled out I had nothing but a box of little memories...a picture...small pillow with footprints on it...a pin...a small journal...and this time a sleeper like the one she was wearing...I now have 2 boxes sitting in our family room...for our son...on the anniversary of his death, I take it out and just look at it...the first time I did not want pictures to remember him by so I do not have any...and next year in June on the date she passed, I will be looking back at her pictures and the pretty box they gave me to remember her by.

So my thoughts after being home?  First time, while I kept myself busy, my thoughts did not go there, but this time around it is harder...I keep myself busy but no matter what I am doing, I can be thinking about our babies.  When I am not doing anything or trying to fall asleep, my mind always goes there...how I miss them...how I miss holding them...but most of all I question God.  I question why it is so easy for us to get pregnant but not be able to keep our babies!  Why is it that my body is so weak that I cannot keep them in there and keep them safe!  Why God would let this happen to such innocent human beings...our babies!  It does not make sense!

I read somewhere that they are gone so quickly before they are born because they fulfilled what they are supposed to do and God did not need them to be born to this ugly world, but what was fulfilled?  What did they do?  We miss them so much so how could that be good?

Then I also get such sadness...it literally hurts my heart...and I just do not want to do anything...don't want to eat...don't want to sleep...just nothing...the first time, I stayed in bed for a long time...I would fall in and out of sleep...and when I was awake I just stayed in bed...when my husband came home I would still be in bed and he would do anything to get me out of bed...he wanted to take me out to eat, but did not want to so he would go out to buy food...I do not remember if I even went out.  This time around because I have lots of weddings coming up (yes I am a wedding planner), I know I need to do things...put together invitations, go to meetings, etc...so I keep myself busy that way...I still do not want to do things but I know I have to...there are days when I lay in bed for a while...there are even days I take my laptop and phone to my bed and do everything from there...and yes I go out to eat and things even though I do not want to...I do it for my family and my husband...but I really usually do not want to.

It is a hurt that takes a long time and eventually will heal, but it takes a while.  Some people think I am okay because I am up doing things, but not really...I still hurt and this loss brought back the hurt from the first time.  I know it will take time...but people need to remember that we will never forget!  Those around me may forget what we went through...but people need to remember that when someone goes through a loss like this, we never forget...we are always reminded...when we see other pregnant women...whether it be in person or on television...when we see other babies and children...this was the hardest for me the first time around...I was pregnant with several other people at our church and I was the farthest along...it was hard when I saw them...or heard about their baby showers...I even went to one after my loss and thought I could do it...I left in the middle of it!  The others I just sent them something...this time around is not as hard.

And one other thing, I want to mention...even though we may not have a living child...people need to remember that we are parents!  People always tell me...you will be a great mother someday!  Well, know that we are parents!  I am a mother!  My beautiful children are now in Heaven, but I consider myself a mother and my husband is a father.

Anyways, that is it for now...I want others going through this to understand that I can understand your emotions and we all go through this...if you have gone through different emotions please feel free to express them...you are not alone in your feelings.

Take care until next time!

What we have already gone through...

So I wanted to start this blog because there is not much information out there about going through miscarriage, not to mention a miscarriage in the second trimester...the affects it has on people...what we have to go through after a miscarriage...as well as emotions...so that others can be able to say "hey, I feel that way also!"

I want others to be able to relate and share their experiences...everyone's experience is different even if they may have lost their baby at around the same month or week.  When I first went through this, it was hard to find sites talking about this and I did not want to go to a support group in person because I felt like if I went and started talking about my experience, all I would was cry and not be able to completely tell them my story.  I did eventually find a group online, but even then, it is hard to just share your entire journey...

So here I am and anyone who reads this and are going through what I am going through, I would like you to feel free to share by commenting your experience.  I want everyone to know that you are not alone!  Many many people go through miscarriages...not as many second trimester miscarriages...and not many people have to deal with incompetent cervix...so this is why I am sharing...I want those who have gone through a second trimester miscarriage...and have an incomptent cervix and those who need to have cerclages done in order to save the baby...to be able to relate...

So here is my story...

In 2007, we got pregnant and although it was a surprise...we were happy!  We had just decided to start trying that year after being married for 3 years.  When we found out, we were 8 weeks along...yes I forgot my "friend" had not shown up and just started feeling queasy...first thinking it was some food I ate...anyways, went to the doctor to confirm and they had also found something else...a polyp...normally polyps are okay, but I was pregnant and it was keeping my cervix open a little...the doctor told me that it was not anything to worry about...so I did not question it and went about my way...

Weeks went by and a few weeks later went to the doctor again and she wanted us to see a perinatlogist...a high-risk pregnancy specialist...because she was concerned about the polyp affecting the baby...well...of course I got concerned...to tell you the truth...scared!  So went with my husband...apparently the polyp was pretty big and he did not want to do anything with it because if he took it out, it can cause significant problems for me and the baby.  He said that it can be left in and because the polyp was blocking, the baby would be fine! He even told us that we were having a boy!

Well everything was not fine...a week after seeing the perinatologist, we had a miscarriage...one day I started to have something that felt like contractions...I even called the doctor but she said that it was probably round ligament pain...but it went on for a while...that night, my water broke...we went into the emergency room...after hours of waiting...they confirmed that my water broke (although I already knew that my water broke)...and several hours later after them inducing me with meds and hooking me up with pain meds, delivered our son...at 18 1/2 weeks.

At one point after finding out my water broke, the doctor told us that there was a chance to save the baby...and try to get to 24 weeks...she gave us some options and then left the room...however, she came back like 30 min later to tell us that we did not have an option because I had a fever which meant I had an infection.

After this time, went to the doctor (a new one! more on why later) a few times...he explained to us what might have happened...also saw him because of polyps that kept reoccurring as well as infections.

Jumping to 2010, we decided to try again...we got pregnant again in February, but couple weeks later we found out we were losing the baby after a couple of blood tests showed that our hcg levels were dropping...it was a long 2 weeks!

Then in March, before my "friend" even came back, we found out we were pregnant again...I had called our doctor to ask when I should expect my "friend" to return...he said that it should have already and to check to see if I am pregnant.  Found out that I was!  We were so happy!  A little weary about this one but happy!

I went to the doctor to confirm a few weeks later and yes we were pregnant and this time no polyp!  We thought we were good to go!  We were still very cautious and did not want to get too excited...well my husband was cautious but I was excited!  We even waited to tell our family right away but we waited a little bit because we did not want to have to tell them and then have another miscarriage.  After a few weeks we told them!

So with this pregnancy, I probably called the doctor a few hundred times...every time I had a cramp, or something just did not feel right...he even told me that I can come see the baby at anytime I wanted to...everytime I could not sleep because I was worried, he told me to call them and come in!  I was not that crazy, but at I saw the baby at 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and 12 weeks!  My husband even got to see her at our first official checkup.  Every time I saw the baby, she moved around a lot!  There were even times when the doctor was trying to take a picture and she would kick so he would have to try to take the picture again.

Well, at 19 1/2 weeks...on a Friday, I started having contractions...I thought they were cramps...it kept me up but it was very weak and I thought they were ligament pain...but they would come and go...not on a regular basis...so I went back to sleep...well it came back later in the morning so I called the doctor.  The nurse told me it was probably just normal pain and told me to stay home and rest and drink lots of fluids...so I did but early in the afternoon, the pain got worse...I called and went in to the doctor...my doctor was not there that day but the on call doc checked found out that I was 2cm dilated and my water had not broken.  They called the ambulance to transfer me to a different hospital because I needed to see the perinatologist (yes the same one I saw 3 years back) and try to save this baby.

So after what seemed to be a long hospital ride, I got there, they checked me in right away and waited...for the doctor and for my husband...it seemed like a long wait especially when you have to lay down with your head towards the floor and your feet higher up...it is not comfortable...but soon after, they wheeled me in to his office to see with an ultrasound...soon after my husband came in...

After a long check...the perinatologist does not like to talk while examining...he showed us what was going on with the baby and then told us an action plan...to try to save the baby, first they would have to stop my contractions with meds and then once it stops, on Sunday to have a cerclage put in.

They then wheeled me back into the room I was first in with my husband this time.  At this point, it was a waiting game...I had to stay at the hospital, taking meds every so often to stop these contractions and if everything was okay they would put the cerclage in.  It was emotional for us...not knowing what was going to happen and me thinking the worst would happen...

Well, on Saturday it looked like my contractions had stopped so they were planning ahead with the cerclage...our hopes however were crushed when early Sunday morning they found out that I was leaking and also started contractions again...we could not do the cerclage...so then like the first time, we had to wait...had to wait for the baby to die in my belly and then to deliver her.  She finally passed away on Monday late afternoon on June 28 and delivered her on Tuesday at almost 2am.  It was so painful...both physically but more emotionally...after delivering her, while my husband was sleeping next to me, I spent a lot of time with her...I could not let her go just yet...I wish I could see her again...

Well we spent another 2 days at the hospital and then was told that I could go home...

It has now been 2 1/2 weeks and still in a little bit of physical pain and as I write this, still emotionally painful...

Next steps...well after the pain has gone...I need to get an ultrasound to make sure everything is okay...then when we get pregnant again, I have to get a cerclage done at around 10 weeks or so and also get shots so that I do not contract...this also means that I have to be put on bedrest after the procedure is done until 36 weeks...

Well hope everyone had fun reading (yeah right!), but I wanted to share with everyone what we have gone through...don't worry...future posts will not be as long...

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!